Now's as good a time as any ..right?

So I have been quiet on here again mainly because I have been trying to decide when ,if and, how to make an announcment...

I'm pregnant

It's taken over a year to get here with a lot of bumps along the way but here we are I am 8 weeks today and I would be totally lying if I didn't admit that as happy as I am I'm also TERRIFIED I feel that this pg is already off to a better start in that my hormone levels have all been good and I feel like shit lol so probably a good thing but I can't help feeling some of the darkness creep up now and then too especially as I am entering the same stage I was in when we lost Skylar last year... I honestly don't know what I think or feel at the moment I am a ball of insane emotion 99% of the time but I figure its ok for me to feel like this as long as I don't let it beat me down.

So far I have measured actually about 5 days ahead of where they said I should be by mt LMP so The dr is actually optomistic that this will be my rainbow baby to keep I have had 2 ultrasounds both of which showed a perfect baby with a perfect HB so that has me slightly more at ease my next appt is not until the 1st but God bless Dr.C he said if I hit my 9 week mark and get to anxious all I have to do is call and he will squeeze me in for my own peace of mind..so far I am managing to stay sane (ok as sane as any hormonal woman ever is lol) .

So now that we all know whats going on in my world I hope things are well in yours (lol pending anyone actually reads this haha)

Much Love to all!
Brooke

Birthday thoughts ..and other random bits

So Tuesday was my Birthday and in many ways it was bittersweet ...I couldn't help but remember last year when I was still so heartbroken from my loss that the day came and went and I barely noticed..This year however I found myself with some odd feelings about it I turned 29 (and NO I am NOT panicking about turning 30) and I realized how different our life was compared to our "plans" for our future to date. First we had said from the time we became engaged we wanted 3 children and for me I wanted to have them all Born by the time I was 30 so I would still have time to enjoy them as they grew up.. Instead I have 1 DC and am just now being able to try and have #2 with more than 1 loss along the way. I wanted to be either done with my RN or enrolled at KU (yes I am a Jayhawker ppl deal LOL) finishing my MD..instead I have just finished my RMA with plans to go back for my RN possibly sooner than originally
(re)planned And DH is finally getting to go back to school (he spent all his time putting me through and taking care of us while I followed my dreams) I am more grateful for him than I could ever say He has walked this journey with me and stayed by my side when many would have given up and walked away I can truly say I am proud to call him my husband (don't tell him though or I'll never hear the end LOL)

This birthday was full of surprises though in a funny way the ppl I never expected to remember my birthday were the first to call/text and send me good wishes while the ones who I thought would never forget did ODD I think but I am thankful at the same time as it brought some dearly missed contact with old friends that I didn't even realize I needed..think maybe God was paying more attention than I was to what I needed? I do and I am ok witht that

Ok so on to some "real" news

Dh had his IVP Kidney x-ray on Monday we should have some results from that in a couple of weeks they also did some hormonal blood work (trust me the jokes between us flew about that on) V and I are going to the fertility DR today to set up for our consultations which should be in mid July (starting it now so we can be sure all the medical records and such get there in time). As for any new testing on me..none yet but the concensus seems to be there may not be aby more needed besides some routine bloodwork to moniter my Progesterone levels leading up to pregnancy (mainly as a precaution)


Other than that life is normal as usual we have been working on a remodeling project (see below) Hopefully the pics will post ok The first 1 is The before and the 2nd 2 are the after we built,stained and clearcoated all of this ourselves...I think it looks pretty good personally the color (which you can't see well in these) is A mahogony (sp?) with a high gloss clear..the doors on the cabinets are not clear coated yet but should be by tonight :) and please pardon our mess LOL

Forward...

Well we got Dh's SA results.....the count and motility have more than DOUBLED!!!! granted he is still way low but the fact that its up is giving both the dr and us hope they had him adjust some vitamin doses and such and they want to see if at 3 months we can get it up even further which would be GREAT for increasing our odds of the IUI taking...

So that is where it is now moving forward at a so far so good pace..Speaking of moving forward we got a LOT done yesterday DH started my built in shelves on either side of the fireplace (i will post pics if I can get the damn Camera to cooperate lol).

Short Post but all in all things are going well and hopefully will continue to do so (Destiny can just keep holding that other shoe thankyouverymuch)

Many hugs and Blessings

A Little Sunshine..

Just to add some sunshine to the day...I decided it was time to let those of you who keep up with me "meet" the family....Enjoy!

I can't honestly remember what we were laughing at but this definitely wasn't the "family portrait" I had in mind at first but..It's perfectly honestly us and that is why I love it! On to the "formal" shots..

I can't forget our Fur babies!!!

Max (guess what his favorite "bad" habit is?)

And Pepper (I had her ball LOL)

And there you have the entire T. Clan...

Answers..?

Naturally answers tend to come when you least expect them and typically are not looking for them....at least thats what happened yesterday

Ok so long story short I went to follow a lead on a job (for those of you new to "me" I recently graduated with my RMA registered medical assistant carticficate) and while I was in the building decided that since my old OBGYN office was there I would get a full copy of my chart (NOTE: according to HIPAA a pt has the right to this at any time I reccomend using it) the purpose was to have it for the new fertility DR...and sadly they are not the best at forwarding records on ..Which brings me to the point of this story theses previous records were never sent over to my new OB while I was still pregnant (last year!!! for crying out loud!)when I got home I decided to read through and organize my stuff to make it easier for the new Dr to get through and while doing this I noticed some hinky test results that indicate that ,at least at one point, I have Low Progesterone...I was told by said Dr that I "had a result indicating I did not ovulate that cycle" but not that I had 2 consecutive LOW results..what does this have to do with anything? Well what some of you may or may not know is that in conjunction with HCG your progesterone is part of what helps keep you pregnant so to speak..I was never checked for low Prog. because my records were never sent over with the results indicating there may be a problem ,therefore, in theory from a couple of other medical opinions, that could have played a part in my Loss of Skylar.....soak that in....Breathe ...ARE YOU F@*^ing KIDDING ME!!! it may have been preventable?!..even the possibility made me sick to my stomach and brought me to tears...the answer has been staring my (former) Dr in the face for over 7 YEARS!!!! how the hell did he NOT think to tell me Knowing I had had previous issues with concieving and staying pg. I am so angry and shocked right now how could he have kept this info to himself it could have saved our daughter...and now there is no bringing her back and all I can do is walk into yet another dr office but this time armed with additional info and pray that the IUI works and that they can or will moniter my Prog. level...I spent a year praying for an answer but now that I (theoretically) have one I am ...I don't know what I feel honestly angry, sad , shocked...and maybe even a tad relieved relieved because at least prog. is a problem that can be treated...and now Back to square 1

Moving right along..

So DH had the big appt yesterday and amazingly things went fairly well he does have poison Ivy unfortunatly but they did the order for another SA (no surprise there) the surprise came when not only did the dr decide that he needed to see a Urologist but they scheduled the appt for us before we even left and then to top the cake he is getting in next week! Talk about Moving right along..the more things work out the more I am realizing maybe this is the path we are supposed to be on and should have taken long ago(the previous dr suggested a specialist but offered NO help to get him in to one)..so for the moment things are looking up and I am seeing a possible light in this tunnel. I am more relaxed and positive of our path than I have been in months..Maybe God does hear me after all,Thank you

Oh and DS had his check up today he is Perfect (but I knew that already) and ready for sports..call me football mom!

Just another day...I think

WARNING: this post may contain absolutly no logic or flow

Ok so I know its been forever since I last wrote I am really BAD about keeping up with my blog..and sadly I am not really sure why its not like i don't have a million and 1 things running through my head or anything...HMMM

So its monday and actually shaping up to be a productive Monday at that DH has a dr's appt this afternoon and will hopefully be beginning a new SA (sperm analysis) as well as some other testing before we move on to the next phase of TTC we have tried on our own for a year which is what we agreed to and then it became time to seriously discuss where we want to go from here..we discussed and looked into adoption which sadly is VERY costly more so than IVF and thats kinda crappy if you ask me but then again no-one did so..we discussed trying the IUI which seems like our best option at the moment especially since our previous dr thought it would work for us..something we will talk to our reg dr about this afternoon..and while I'm on the topic I find it interesting that she has given and listened better than my former GYN who used to specialize in Infertility in a big city..she admits that a lot of this is out of her area but also said if I know of a test to run ask and she will write the order..fortunatly after spending the last year in school for my MA cert I hve learned which sites on the web to access and can pretty much read our own results..(which my dr thinks is great) ok so I admit its my last ditch effort at holdin some form of control over our reproductive capabilities but hey if thats my worst I am doing pretty good I think?....

So I guess I should update those of you who may actually follow my blog on whats been happening and why I have been so absent.. I graduated on April 3rd (with acedemic honors thankyouverymuch) and now I am in the job pool..I passed my Phlebotomy Cert exam and just got my cert in the mail WOO HOO! Anthony has decided to play Football for our local elementary district this fall (OMG is he really this big already?!) so tomorrow its off the the Ped for him

Skylar's Birthday went without any major bumps I was in the middle of my clinicals and worked that day and I found that being able to spend that day helping others was quite therapeutic for me..it allowed me to focus on something beside my grief which i admit still rins deep and probably always will but I am learning that its ok as long as I keep trying to really live because I know she would want me too and because I owe it to my family to keep trying to move forward with life...if any of that makes sense

Ok so now that I have done a complete circle and totally lost you I come back to today today will be filled with laundry cleaning and other such domestics as I like to call them and in between all of that sitting down to actually make a list of some of the questions we want to cover with dr.G today I must admit I LOVE my Dr and I honestly believe if she left I would cry its nice to have someone who doesn't think I'm completly nuts with our journey to be parents again and when I am a little nuts (who me? no never right?) thinks its ok given our roller coaster of a ride I have the advantage I think that because I am in the medical field she knows I am well aware of any f the risks I take when looking inot treatments for our infertility..some of which I admit are not what you would call traditional. But then again NOTHING about our journey has been traditional so why start now right?

So that is where my world stands now.. I wrned you this was an all over post lol

Many blessings and Love to all

Brooke

Tired

So I sit here it is nearly midnight and I find myself exhausted and yet unable to sleep or even settle enough to try and sleep. I am tired in every way a woman can be I am tired of hurting for a daughter that is gone, tired of hurting for my son who in his youthful innocence can not understand why we can't just get pregnent and bring him home a sister,tired of feeling like the world is spinning so fast I may fall off Just flat Friggin tired. I so want to wake up tomorrow and all the pain be gone I want to wake up next week and have a BFP...I can want in one hand... I am so frustrated where did all this come from? I have been fine and then BAM! I find myself alone and crying and I can't even really tell you why. I feel as though my mind is a jungle and I am lost in it I feel angry, hurt, frustrated, hopeful and Isnane all in one huge ball..Ok so there it is I am a huge ball of unexplained emotion! I guess maybe I wish harder than ever this month I will get My BFP at least then My random emotions would make a bit more sense right now I just feel nuts My baby is dead she is gone I get that I don't like it but I know I can't change it and nor do I want to replace her so where the hell did all this come from Dh and I decided to be more aggresive about having his fertility checked again (given we did concieve obviously something has changed) good or bad an answer would at least let us know where we stand and then we can take our next steps. This seems logical,so why do I feel as though I am being neurotic? It's not like we haven't been down this road before we know what to expect but what we don't know is if there are more things that can be done for us! It was decided long ago IVF was not an option as physically it is too draining not to mention the increased chance of mc(ya lets try NOT to go Near that rd again shall we?) I am angry that God will allow a drug addicted mom who has no desire nor does she try to get off drugs 5 babies but I can't get a 2nd how the hell is that right in the scheme of things! I mean I have seen many addicts who change everything for the love of a child and I APPLAUD them but I cannot condone those who choose the path of destruction of themselves and their children!....This is sad I used to be one of the most forgiving people I knew and somehow now I can't be that I just can't I want to be but its just not there anymore I am not there any more I am lost ( should you find me please return me) I look at the world and I have far less faith in humanity They say God never gives us more than we can handle...well they lied I am saying UNCLE!! I give ok !

God I am so tired

The more the merrier...Right?

So I have only been awake for about an hour and already I realize Its gonna be a LOOOONG day! i was totally excited when one of my mom's(the adoptive) decided to visit! i was totally NOT xcited to hear my maternal grandmother would be with her now I know to most a visit from grandma is a good thing so to explain i will give the short version of Joanne...Abusive Bitch pretty much covers it this woman made my Life HELL as a child and as a genral rule the family has always tried to sweep this pink elephant under the rug they did it when she abused my Biological mom nd they did it with me But as I grew I did a few things that surprised everyone when I started standing up to her by the age of about 12 so i was labeled the unstable black sheep "just like her mom" so to this I said "hell yes I am a strong woman JUST LIKE MY MOM!!!!" and Damn proud of it! As an adult i have no patience for the family bullshit so I stay away from most of them on that side hey if they wanna stay attached t all that they can have it as for me I want to raise happy healthy stable kids! so back to today i usually tolerate Joanne for My adoptive mom's sake about 3 times a year ,I say for her sake as if i am "rude" in any way she hears about it for MONTHS and its not right her health isn't the greatest and so if tolerating that woman gives her a bit of peace fine I am a big girl I will deal. Joanne has long ago figured out i am not the helpless child and I know as an adult she can only hurtme if I give her the power and as for my kids LMAO lets just say that was tken care of several years ago I made it clear what the concequences would be if she so much as looked at my kids wrong.So as I said before usually I only spend about 3 days out of the year dealing with her but this year it has been 4 times in 6 mos! i dunno about this however today should be entertaining as hell My oldest son will be here with Kai (he does not like Joanne at all) and My ex girlfriend( i know I created a queston or two here and I will will explain it lol later ) who is still My best friend is coming down(another "fan" of hers lol) and our other Bestfriend is also in town mix all this with a bbq and my youngest's Birthday tomorrow and it should make for one hell of an eventful day!
Can I go back to bed now?

Band-aid for the soul...

It never ceases to amaze me that just when I need it most (and usually I don't even realize I need it) The universe manages to give me a band-aid for my heart. This 4th I got a much needed surprise when our oldest son (whom we adopted nearly 3 yrs ago) brought our 5 month old granddaughter over to spend the holiday with us! i was more than happy to spend the day doting over Kai and watch as Anthony and her spent hrs fascinated with eachother (he is going to be such a wonderful big brother,hopefully soon!) But in the end it was the moments at the end of the day that gave me my lift i was sitting in a darkened and quiet family room feeding Kai and getting her ready for bed when as I sat and stared at her staring at me the tears began to fall not becuse I was sad( ok for the most part I wasn't sad) but more so because I realized in those moments that even through ll the hurt and heartache of the miscarriage these are the moments that would make trying again worth all of it! I remembered what it was like when Anthony was born and how i loved spending hours just holding him and looking at him in amazment and how in the end I want No I NEED to take the chance for another even at the risk of losing another baby.I need it for me i can't let the universe win this one I have to prove to myself I can do this I will do this i will fight just as I always have for something (someone in this case0 that means that much to me! i once read not long ago that you know when you are done having children when you feel complete...well I am not there....Yet

From the mouths of Babes.....

Ok so I have known for years My son was too damn smart for his own good...but Now I realize he is apparently is also too damn smart for my good.I knew he felt the loss of Skylar little did i know just how much he felt it Yesterday whil My MIL was in town (yea so thats a whole nother post lol) we went to lunch at a local Buffet while were thr an old HS fried of My DH was also there with her 2 beutiful kids including her month old daughter (yea that was a bit hard) well the baby was set in her carseat in the seat directly behind DS and I was amazed wen he just sat there and stared at her with this longing face for nearly 20 minutes! afer a while he looked at me and asked.."mommy do you think Skylar would have looked as pretty as her?" OUCH!! i didn't know what to say other than "I am sure she would have been beautiful baby boybut i think her eyes woud be more like yours" this answer seemed to satisfy and he finally was willing to turn and eat then from there it was off to Walmart while we were there he saw the cutest pink toddler Disney bike( I ws looking for our new Mt Bikes) he looked at it for a few and then proceeded to sit on it and after a minute says to me "mommy if Skylar was alive i would get her this bike" DOUBLE OUCH!!! I can't be upset with him and I try to hide well the pain I feel on my bad days but those words tore at My heart and Dh's as well Anthony wants a baby sister so desperatly and we would love to make that happen But conception does not come easy to us How do we explain to him that we are trying but ultimatly its up to God ( I think this explanation has him losing Faith a bit) We may not go to church every Sunday but we do have faith ..Hell some days that and hope is all we have. I feel like I am failing him some days... and I hate that feeling.

Now as I mentioned earlier my MIL was in town yesterday and she has a way of always trying to "help" that ends up looking more to me like in her eyes I am not "doing it right" now this is all on top of the afore mentioned events Normlly i can blow her off ut yesterday she managed to get under my skin Big time when she "decided" My kitchen needed to be cleaned "well" at first i was totally annoyed However my savior on this was My MIL mom was down with her..I LOVE Little Grandma D she alwasy has my back with the MIl LOL so she could see I was getting annoyed and she simply smiles at me and says "Let her do it by herself...that just means you don't have to later." i had to laugh at this..she had a point so Now My kitchen and My family room are clean..and I am well rested *evil grin* I see grandma's point Mom was so determined to make a point of sorts that instead she didw me a favor that allowed me more free time with ds today! What makes it all the more satisfying...that was totally opposite of her intention her intenetion was I would decide to help and she could "show me the ight way to do it" Gotta lovethe littl victories hehe

Where to begin...

I am not even sure where to begin except at the beginning...then again I am not sure where the beginning is.
My husband and I met in 99 and we knew without a doubt we aould marry some day and have 3or 4 children...Oh simple life seems when you are young,Little did we know what path we would end up taking.

after a Nightmare of a miscarriage in summe of 99 we were told children would most likely not be possible...at least not "the old fashined way" but much to our shock in November of that same year I discovered I was indeed Pregnant! We were so excited to welcome our son Anthony into the world the following July . In June of 2001 Just Shy of our Son's first birthday we decided it was time to expand our family after all the concerns the dr's had about my ability to concieve were proven wrong and they sw no reason now that I should have any trouble.....Oh if only I had known after 3yrs of ttc ,dr's appts,clomid and devistation over My dh sperm count results ,In December of 2005 I had what can best be described as the Period from hell. It was so bad and I was so sick I decided I would call my Dr and try to figure out what was going on to my shock and sadness My dr informed me that he had "good news and bad news" I had indeed gotten pg but this baby was not to be and I was having an early miscarriage (I now know this is commonly reffered to as a chemical pg in the medical community) Amazingly instead of feeling overly upset by the loss I did as I tend to do and saw the light .The Dr's were wrong!,We can get Pg!!! so after waiting a month we decided to keep trying and for 2 yrs...Nothing Finally in January of 08 I had had enough after having what i suspected was a possible CP for a 2nd time I snapped and I infomed my Husband thats it i can't take the heartache we have ourson and that is all we are going to have lets deal and move on,or so I thought shortly after On Valentines day after catching some serious shit from friends that i was acting "like a hormonal pg woman" I realized I was late i spent all day agonizing do I test am I nuts? i caved and went in for the test...BFP Holy shit!!! I cried when I got the news and realized I was happier in those moments than I had been in a long time. Again the univeerse in its wisdom decided it wasn't done with me yet I had 5 blissful ignorant weeks of pregnancy and then on April 23 (easter of all days) My world cam crashing down ...
I had family in town for the holiday and had spent most of the day cooking when later in the afternoon i went to pee and realized i was spotting..Ok I thought don't panic i calmly informed my Husband and off to the er w went I waited for quite a while before I was whisked off to see a dr after Blood work and a pelvic he informed my My cervix is closed and looks like all will be fine I may just need bed rest for a few,we just had to wait on the us results..Ok I thought no prob i can deal witht hat,after about another 20 min the dr came into my room and the look on his face gave me my answer long before he opened his mouth He told me My baby had died the tears started rolling before the words were even spoken in my mind i screamed "NOOOOOOO Why why would you take our baby girl!! (I say girl as in our hearts there was never a doubt it was a girl) The dr was very kind (a rarity for the er) and gave me my options but wanted me to see my OB the next morning before deciding at first I wanted to wait and do it nautrally but after 24 hrs I was rethinking this and so on tuesday the 25th I called and scheduled my D&C for the following Morning...again the universe had other ideas the cramping ,,,ok cramping hell the CONTRACTIONS started at about 10 am and went on for hours I finally broke down about 1 and took the pain med they had given me I slept and when I woke I cried and then slept some more later that night some dear friends had stopped by to check on us i got up to pee and thats when I felt it i knew she was slipping from me I ran to the bathroom but it was too late I had delivered my baby into my panties at first I just sat there and cried I didn't know what to do finally I yelled for My friend (she was closest to the bathroom) and asked her to get My Husband he came running and as soon as he opened the door the look onmy face told him what I couldn't say or precious baby was gone we were asked to save her remians for possible testing so we did but before that I wanted to see her to some she was "tissue" to me this was my daughter and she looked absolulty perfect in every tiny detail dh was right she would have green eyes I actually remember thinking that and it crushed me the following am the dr determined that I had delivered every part of her intact which for health reasons is the best they could hope for in my situation. Later when we got home our son asked a few questions (some of which my mom fielded Thank God for her!) and then shocked us all when he asked if he could name her...I had not even thought of this but we told him yes of course he could and so our beautiful baby Girl was given her name..Skylar Marie and the name is as perfect as she was...And so now this is my life after Skylar....