Tired

So I sit here it is nearly midnight and I find myself exhausted and yet unable to sleep or even settle enough to try and sleep. I am tired in every way a woman can be I am tired of hurting for a daughter that is gone, tired of hurting for my son who in his youthful innocence can not understand why we can't just get pregnent and bring him home a sister,tired of feeling like the world is spinning so fast I may fall off Just flat Friggin tired. I so want to wake up tomorrow and all the pain be gone I want to wake up next week and have a BFP...I can want in one hand... I am so frustrated where did all this come from? I have been fine and then BAM! I find myself alone and crying and I can't even really tell you why. I feel as though my mind is a jungle and I am lost in it I feel angry, hurt, frustrated, hopeful and Isnane all in one huge ball..Ok so there it is I am a huge ball of unexplained emotion! I guess maybe I wish harder than ever this month I will get My BFP at least then My random emotions would make a bit more sense right now I just feel nuts My baby is dead she is gone I get that I don't like it but I know I can't change it and nor do I want to replace her so where the hell did all this come from Dh and I decided to be more aggresive about having his fertility checked again (given we did concieve obviously something has changed) good or bad an answer would at least let us know where we stand and then we can take our next steps. This seems logical,so why do I feel as though I am being neurotic? It's not like we haven't been down this road before we know what to expect but what we don't know is if there are more things that can be done for us! It was decided long ago IVF was not an option as physically it is too draining not to mention the increased chance of mc(ya lets try NOT to go Near that rd again shall we?) I am angry that God will allow a drug addicted mom who has no desire nor does she try to get off drugs 5 babies but I can't get a 2nd how the hell is that right in the scheme of things! I mean I have seen many addicts who change everything for the love of a child and I APPLAUD them but I cannot condone those who choose the path of destruction of themselves and their children!....This is sad I used to be one of the most forgiving people I knew and somehow now I can't be that I just can't I want to be but its just not there anymore I am not there any more I am lost ( should you find me please return me) I look at the world and I have far less faith in humanity They say God never gives us more than we can handle...well they lied I am saying UNCLE!! I give ok !

God I am so tired

The more the merrier...Right?

So I have only been awake for about an hour and already I realize Its gonna be a LOOOONG day! i was totally excited when one of my mom's(the adoptive) decided to visit! i was totally NOT xcited to hear my maternal grandmother would be with her now I know to most a visit from grandma is a good thing so to explain i will give the short version of Joanne...Abusive Bitch pretty much covers it this woman made my Life HELL as a child and as a genral rule the family has always tried to sweep this pink elephant under the rug they did it when she abused my Biological mom nd they did it with me But as I grew I did a few things that surprised everyone when I started standing up to her by the age of about 12 so i was labeled the unstable black sheep "just like her mom" so to this I said "hell yes I am a strong woman JUST LIKE MY MOM!!!!" and Damn proud of it! As an adult i have no patience for the family bullshit so I stay away from most of them on that side hey if they wanna stay attached t all that they can have it as for me I want to raise happy healthy stable kids! so back to today i usually tolerate Joanne for My adoptive mom's sake about 3 times a year ,I say for her sake as if i am "rude" in any way she hears about it for MONTHS and its not right her health isn't the greatest and so if tolerating that woman gives her a bit of peace fine I am a big girl I will deal. Joanne has long ago figured out i am not the helpless child and I know as an adult she can only hurtme if I give her the power and as for my kids LMAO lets just say that was tken care of several years ago I made it clear what the concequences would be if she so much as looked at my kids wrong.So as I said before usually I only spend about 3 days out of the year dealing with her but this year it has been 4 times in 6 mos! i dunno about this however today should be entertaining as hell My oldest son will be here with Kai (he does not like Joanne at all) and My ex girlfriend( i know I created a queston or two here and I will will explain it lol later ) who is still My best friend is coming down(another "fan" of hers lol) and our other Bestfriend is also in town mix all this with a bbq and my youngest's Birthday tomorrow and it should make for one hell of an eventful day!
Can I go back to bed now?

Band-aid for the soul...

It never ceases to amaze me that just when I need it most (and usually I don't even realize I need it) The universe manages to give me a band-aid for my heart. This 4th I got a much needed surprise when our oldest son (whom we adopted nearly 3 yrs ago) brought our 5 month old granddaughter over to spend the holiday with us! i was more than happy to spend the day doting over Kai and watch as Anthony and her spent hrs fascinated with eachother (he is going to be such a wonderful big brother,hopefully soon!) But in the end it was the moments at the end of the day that gave me my lift i was sitting in a darkened and quiet family room feeding Kai and getting her ready for bed when as I sat and stared at her staring at me the tears began to fall not becuse I was sad( ok for the most part I wasn't sad) but more so because I realized in those moments that even through ll the hurt and heartache of the miscarriage these are the moments that would make trying again worth all of it! I remembered what it was like when Anthony was born and how i loved spending hours just holding him and looking at him in amazment and how in the end I want No I NEED to take the chance for another even at the risk of losing another baby.I need it for me i can't let the universe win this one I have to prove to myself I can do this I will do this i will fight just as I always have for something (someone in this case0 that means that much to me! i once read not long ago that you know when you are done having children when you feel complete...well I am not there....Yet

From the mouths of Babes.....

Ok so I have known for years My son was too damn smart for his own good...but Now I realize he is apparently is also too damn smart for my good.I knew he felt the loss of Skylar little did i know just how much he felt it Yesterday whil My MIL was in town (yea so thats a whole nother post lol) we went to lunch at a local Buffet while were thr an old HS fried of My DH was also there with her 2 beutiful kids including her month old daughter (yea that was a bit hard) well the baby was set in her carseat in the seat directly behind DS and I was amazed wen he just sat there and stared at her with this longing face for nearly 20 minutes! afer a while he looked at me and asked.."mommy do you think Skylar would have looked as pretty as her?" OUCH!! i didn't know what to say other than "I am sure she would have been beautiful baby boybut i think her eyes woud be more like yours" this answer seemed to satisfy and he finally was willing to turn and eat then from there it was off to Walmart while we were there he saw the cutest pink toddler Disney bike( I ws looking for our new Mt Bikes) he looked at it for a few and then proceeded to sit on it and after a minute says to me "mommy if Skylar was alive i would get her this bike" DOUBLE OUCH!!! I can't be upset with him and I try to hide well the pain I feel on my bad days but those words tore at My heart and Dh's as well Anthony wants a baby sister so desperatly and we would love to make that happen But conception does not come easy to us How do we explain to him that we are trying but ultimatly its up to God ( I think this explanation has him losing Faith a bit) We may not go to church every Sunday but we do have faith ..Hell some days that and hope is all we have. I feel like I am failing him some days... and I hate that feeling.

Now as I mentioned earlier my MIL was in town yesterday and she has a way of always trying to "help" that ends up looking more to me like in her eyes I am not "doing it right" now this is all on top of the afore mentioned events Normlly i can blow her off ut yesterday she managed to get under my skin Big time when she "decided" My kitchen needed to be cleaned "well" at first i was totally annoyed However my savior on this was My MIL mom was down with her..I LOVE Little Grandma D she alwasy has my back with the MIl LOL so she could see I was getting annoyed and she simply smiles at me and says "Let her do it by herself...that just means you don't have to later." i had to laugh at this..she had a point so Now My kitchen and My family room are clean..and I am well rested *evil grin* I see grandma's point Mom was so determined to make a point of sorts that instead she didw me a favor that allowed me more free time with ds today! What makes it all the more satisfying...that was totally opposite of her intention her intenetion was I would decide to help and she could "show me the ight way to do it" Gotta lovethe littl victories hehe

Where to begin...

I am not even sure where to begin except at the beginning...then again I am not sure where the beginning is.
My husband and I met in 99 and we knew without a doubt we aould marry some day and have 3or 4 children...Oh simple life seems when you are young,Little did we know what path we would end up taking.

after a Nightmare of a miscarriage in summe of 99 we were told children would most likely not be possible...at least not "the old fashined way" but much to our shock in November of that same year I discovered I was indeed Pregnant! We were so excited to welcome our son Anthony into the world the following July . In June of 2001 Just Shy of our Son's first birthday we decided it was time to expand our family after all the concerns the dr's had about my ability to concieve were proven wrong and they sw no reason now that I should have any trouble.....Oh if only I had known after 3yrs of ttc ,dr's appts,clomid and devistation over My dh sperm count results ,In December of 2005 I had what can best be described as the Period from hell. It was so bad and I was so sick I decided I would call my Dr and try to figure out what was going on to my shock and sadness My dr informed me that he had "good news and bad news" I had indeed gotten pg but this baby was not to be and I was having an early miscarriage (I now know this is commonly reffered to as a chemical pg in the medical community) Amazingly instead of feeling overly upset by the loss I did as I tend to do and saw the light .The Dr's were wrong!,We can get Pg!!! so after waiting a month we decided to keep trying and for 2 yrs...Nothing Finally in January of 08 I had had enough after having what i suspected was a possible CP for a 2nd time I snapped and I infomed my Husband thats it i can't take the heartache we have ourson and that is all we are going to have lets deal and move on,or so I thought shortly after On Valentines day after catching some serious shit from friends that i was acting "like a hormonal pg woman" I realized I was late i spent all day agonizing do I test am I nuts? i caved and went in for the test...BFP Holy shit!!! I cried when I got the news and realized I was happier in those moments than I had been in a long time. Again the univeerse in its wisdom decided it wasn't done with me yet I had 5 blissful ignorant weeks of pregnancy and then on April 23 (easter of all days) My world cam crashing down ...
I had family in town for the holiday and had spent most of the day cooking when later in the afternoon i went to pee and realized i was spotting..Ok I thought don't panic i calmly informed my Husband and off to the er w went I waited for quite a while before I was whisked off to see a dr after Blood work and a pelvic he informed my My cervix is closed and looks like all will be fine I may just need bed rest for a few,we just had to wait on the us results..Ok I thought no prob i can deal witht hat,after about another 20 min the dr came into my room and the look on his face gave me my answer long before he opened his mouth He told me My baby had died the tears started rolling before the words were even spoken in my mind i screamed "NOOOOOOO Why why would you take our baby girl!! (I say girl as in our hearts there was never a doubt it was a girl) The dr was very kind (a rarity for the er) and gave me my options but wanted me to see my OB the next morning before deciding at first I wanted to wait and do it nautrally but after 24 hrs I was rethinking this and so on tuesday the 25th I called and scheduled my D&C for the following Morning...again the universe had other ideas the cramping ,,,ok cramping hell the CONTRACTIONS started at about 10 am and went on for hours I finally broke down about 1 and took the pain med they had given me I slept and when I woke I cried and then slept some more later that night some dear friends had stopped by to check on us i got up to pee and thats when I felt it i knew she was slipping from me I ran to the bathroom but it was too late I had delivered my baby into my panties at first I just sat there and cried I didn't know what to do finally I yelled for My friend (she was closest to the bathroom) and asked her to get My Husband he came running and as soon as he opened the door the look onmy face told him what I couldn't say or precious baby was gone we were asked to save her remians for possible testing so we did but before that I wanted to see her to some she was "tissue" to me this was my daughter and she looked absolulty perfect in every tiny detail dh was right she would have green eyes I actually remember thinking that and it crushed me the following am the dr determined that I had delivered every part of her intact which for health reasons is the best they could hope for in my situation. Later when we got home our son asked a few questions (some of which my mom fielded Thank God for her!) and then shocked us all when he asked if he could name her...I had not even thought of this but we told him yes of course he could and so our beautiful baby Girl was given her name..Skylar Marie and the name is as perfect as she was...And so now this is my life after Skylar....