Tired

So I sit here it is nearly midnight and I find myself exhausted and yet unable to sleep or even settle enough to try and sleep. I am tired in every way a woman can be I am tired of hurting for a daughter that is gone, tired of hurting for my son who in his youthful innocence can not understand why we can't just get pregnent and bring him home a sister,tired of feeling like the world is spinning so fast I may fall off Just flat Friggin tired. I so want to wake up tomorrow and all the pain be gone I want to wake up next week and have a BFP...I can want in one hand... I am so frustrated where did all this come from? I have been fine and then BAM! I find myself alone and crying and I can't even really tell you why. I feel as though my mind is a jungle and I am lost in it I feel angry, hurt, frustrated, hopeful and Isnane all in one huge ball..Ok so there it is I am a huge ball of unexplained emotion! I guess maybe I wish harder than ever this month I will get My BFP at least then My random emotions would make a bit more sense right now I just feel nuts My baby is dead she is gone I get that I don't like it but I know I can't change it and nor do I want to replace her so where the hell did all this come from Dh and I decided to be more aggresive about having his fertility checked again (given we did concieve obviously something has changed) good or bad an answer would at least let us know where we stand and then we can take our next steps. This seems logical,so why do I feel as though I am being neurotic? It's not like we haven't been down this road before we know what to expect but what we don't know is if there are more things that can be done for us! It was decided long ago IVF was not an option as physically it is too draining not to mention the increased chance of mc(ya lets try NOT to go Near that rd again shall we?) I am angry that God will allow a drug addicted mom who has no desire nor does she try to get off drugs 5 babies but I can't get a 2nd how the hell is that right in the scheme of things! I mean I have seen many addicts who change everything for the love of a child and I APPLAUD them but I cannot condone those who choose the path of destruction of themselves and their children!....This is sad I used to be one of the most forgiving people I knew and somehow now I can't be that I just can't I want to be but its just not there anymore I am not there any more I am lost ( should you find me please return me) I look at the world and I have far less faith in humanity They say God never gives us more than we can handle...well they lied I am saying UNCLE!! I give ok !

God I am so tired